I used to be that wife. The one who nagged her husband incessantly, wishfully hoping he would selfishly abandon whatever plans God had for him for the day and stick to my agenda. My well-planned, well-thought out agenda.
But I was destroying my marriage trying to control my husband. Because there is nothing worse in a Godly marriage than a wife who tries to control her husband.
I say this with as much love and grace as I can muster: I have been there. It only took me six short months to learn this Bible truth, but your husband was not put on this earth to do YOUR bidding on YOUR time.
He was put here for God's purpose. And a wife who pulls her husband away from God's work will end up going crazy. Take it from someone who knows: it will happen, give it time.
I have watched numerous wives give their husbands the cold shoulder, talk sternly and harshly in front of a group of people, and even throw temper-tantrums. My sweet husband can spot a manipulating, controlling wife a mile away. You could say I've trained him well because I rely on him daily to tell me if I am becoming anything like this woman. When he notices her from a distance, he always whispers, "I'm so glad you're not like that."
This past week, one of my wife acquaintances attempted to manipulate me into manipulating my husband into manipulating HER husband to do what she wanted.
I was slightly shocked that she was using our friendship to get her way in her own marriage. But like I said earlier, a wife trying to control her husband will go crazy.
Just look at Proverbs 14:1: "The wisest (knowledge; good judgment) of women builds her house, but folly (a lack of good sense; foolishness) with her own hands tears it down."
If you are wanting for your husband's position, you're not building your home. Instead, you're destroying it. And a woman destroying her home will never be at peace.
I get this question all the time and it really drives me insane: "Well, you're his wife. Can't you just MAKE him do _______?"
You can fill in that blank with: work longer hours, work shorter hours, give more, give less, do more for this ministry, do less for that ministry, spend more time at home, spend more time away from home, dress differently, show up 45 minutes early, pick up this brush pile for this friend of a friend, fix _____ (the list is truly endless on this one!), etc.
They always look shocked when I direct all their pointed questions to my husband. He has a wonderful mind of his own and he has the ability to answer all of these questions on his own. I don't think for my husband.
Can I just say that one more time? I don't think for my husband.
As I've studied it out, I've come to realize that people who are convinced I control my husband and can make him do whatever I want don't respect my marriage or theirs.
Yes, my husband does listen to me.
Yes, my husband will consider my point-of-view.
The secret to getting his attention on matters that are close to my heart is that I choose my moments wisely. I don't always have to get my way.
In fact, I don't mind letting him have his way the majority of the time. It's far more important to me to have a peaceful home than to constantly be right. I choose peace. I choose joy. I choose to offer my husband a safe place to land after a long day out in the world working. And God has rewarded me greatly for this. He has given me wisdom, blessed my marriage, and has helped me map out a path for the wife I one day dream of being. Because like you, I, too, am a beautiful work of art.
It took me a little while to figure this out, but my husband is God's. He is not mine. I was created to help my husband; not control or manipulate him into doing my bidding. And friends, I'm so much happier when I let my husband lead and I take my role beside him as his life partner, friend, wife and, most importantly, greatest helper.
Manipulating your husband won't get you what you want. Here's why:
1. Control in a marriage is ALWAYS unhealthy.
My husband and I don't control each other. We are both independent, headstrong, and smart. We also value our marriage and work well together. You could probably say our marriage loosely resembles a business partnership. We both highly respect the other, pull our own weight, and work together toward mutual goals and dreams. Control will only lead to heated arguments, long nights, and unhappy spouses.
Is your marriage worth throwing away because you want to control every aspect of your husband's life?
If you answered 'no', then pray daily on this matter and watch God change your heart.
If you answered 'yes', read the story of Esther in the Bible. When you are finished, ask yourself this: if my husband was the only person who could save my family and friends from an imminent death, would he listen to me?
2. You were created to be a helper; not a leader.
God created man to take care of the earth. Read Genesis 1-2. Really look at what God created your husband for. Then, look at why He created you. You were created to be a helper. You are the best gift your husband has ever been given. Because only you possess all the traits needed to take care of his home, work out in the world helping financially (if you do), raise and nurture children, AND win his heart over and over daily.
I think we so often misunderstand what 'submission' means. It's not about being a doormat. I come from a long line of very strong women who are the farthest things from doormats. Instead, I watch them serve their husbands out of love and respect. Because that's what submission is: it's about loving, respecting and helping your husband in such a way that he truly starts to adore and care for you in the way God always intended.
Men are easy creatures to understand. They want your respect and adoration as their wife and the woman who won their heart. Give it to them. God knew this and that's why He makes it very clear in Scripture that your job is to be a help to your husband. Love him. Overlook his flaws. Pray for his spiritual walk. Never stop pursuing him. If you don't take anything else away from this: DON'T STOP PURSUING HIM. In doing so, you will accomplish the other three things listed.
I can guarantee you that another woman is standing in the background, waiting for you to slip up so she can slip in and steal his heart. That may not always be the case, but as a woman who has studied people her entire life, I can assure you that at one point in your marriage, you will experience this. Don't lose him because you don't want to give him your best. That's not an excuse to throw away your marriage.
3. You can't be successful if you're not doing it God's way.
I was raised by a woman who loved my father well. She probably didn't have the adoration thing down very well, but my mom is not interested in flattery. She did so much for my father before he left and I watched her day in and day out. She didn't control him. She didn't tell him he couldn't spend time with his friends. She cleaned his house. Did his laundry. Raised his children. And she also worked outside the home from time-to-time.
My mother is the ultimate wife package. So, I was lucky enough to be raised by a woman who got it. But I know that other women haven't been raised with this example. And that's OK. You aren't your mother or whatever female example you had growing up. You are your own person and God has given you everything you need to be successful in this role.
If you want to study out what God says is not a good wife and what he says is, read Proverbs. Read the whole book written by the wisest man who ever lived--outside of Jesus. Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. This dude had plenty of experience with women and as he's writing to Rehoboam, his son, telling him to run from adulterous, nagging, disrespectful, quarrelsome women and to search for a woman who is the complete package in Proverbs 31. A woman who will bring her husband "good, not harm" all the days of her life.
Ladies, I'm so serious when I say this: manipulating your husbands to get control will never make you happy. Your husband will either be a miserable man who is cold towards you and complains about you to everyone who listen or he will leave you. That's where your marriage is headed if you don't stop. You will either be a very unhappy wife or a woman who is desperately trying to make ends meet when he leaves you.
Choose, today, to make your marriage the best that it can be. Like all relationships, each marriage has seasons. But remember to love your husband well--especially when he doesn't deserve it. Let him make the mistakes. Just let him. I've never met a man who's made the same mistake twice when he has an understanding wife who supports him through it all.
You can begin by trusting God to lead your husband where he needs to go. And God can help you become more like the esteemed Proverbs 31 woman.
Your Wife-Friend in Christ,
Jessica
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