When He Hurts Your Feelings

My feelings are not hurt very easily these days. Three years ago, it was an entirely different story. It would break my heart if someone hurt my feelings. Someone would do something that I would deem "terrible" and I would dwell on it in sadness, which would eventually turn into anger. It was a twisted game I would play in my head.

Then, something wonderful happened. I learned that other people's treatment of me is a product of who they are. Not who I am. Because how we treat one another is a direct reflection of our character. We own our actions; no one else does.

We all have the capacity to do some horrible things. We can wound with our words, our actions, and our choices. We wound behind closed doors and in the open. In front of others. Even in a church filled with Godly people who look down on it. Yes, even me on occasion. 

When someone treats me poorly, I don't view it as license to return the favor. In fact, I make it my mission in life to love and care for the people who intentionally try to wound me. Because if I do not, I will fall back into the trap of bitterness. And when I'm bitter and angry, I'm not loving selflessly. I'm not loving the way God wants me to. I'm not offering mercy and grace.

I've learned how to brush off the actions of others, but the truth is that when my husband hurts my feelings, it literally breaks my heart in two. It's probably because he doesn't do it that often. When he does, it feels like the end of the world. And I have a hard time giving him the love and care I extend to others in the same situation because I live with him. I'm in his constant presence. I don't get to step away from him and take a moment to recollect. 

Last week, my husband made a joke about how often I work outside our home in front of our guests. I immediately became defensive because I know how most people feel about it. They are very vocal in their beliefs about how I should be spending my days. And the last person I expected to bring it up or talk about it was my husband.

Here's the thing: my husband and I made a decision together that I would work part-time, help him run his business and take care of our home. So, it bothered me greatly. 

I crawled into bed that night going over the list. I clean, I cook, I grocery shop, I volunteer, I teach classes, I teach businesses how to use software, I just took over a Sunday School class at church, I blog, I write his website text, I do his books, I do taxes, I do bank runs, I do lunch runs, I do yard work, I paint, I keep both of our schedules in order, I take care of our finances and pay the bills without complaining.

Do you know what happened after I created that list? I gave his silly words power over me. I made a mountain out of a molehill. 

If anyone else in the world would have made a comment about how often I work outside my home, I would have cared less. Because I owe nobody an explanation for how my days are put to use. It was a different story when I felt the person I'm building a home with attacking me in front of others. I wasn't quite sure how to handle it. So, after reciting my list, I did the only thing I knew to do: I prayed.

"God, help me extend the same grace and kindness to my husband that I would to any other person."

And then something wonderful happened again. I realized that the reason I was hurt was because I didn't feel valued by my husband in front of others. His joke was harmless in his eyes but, to me, it was an attack on the work I partake in every day. And can I be honest in saying that the only thing my heart truly desires from my husband is to hear that I am his greatest helper and ally in this life?

Tears filled my eyes and my heart ached. Thankfully, God reminded me that my value comes directly from Him. Though I long to be dearly valued by my husband, I don't do all the things on my list for him. I don't get up early and go to bed late to accomplish every task because I enjoy doing it. I probably wouldn't do it just for my husband alone. That's why my work is done for the Lord.

That's when things were put into perspective.

My husband apologized profusely and explained what he had truly meant by his joke. It had just been a miscommunication. But he was already forgiven. Because I let my insecurities--what I believed my worth was in his eyes--get in the way of my purpose here.

The truth is, Satan will use any means necessary to destroy you. To steal your confidence. To convince you that you are worthless. And he may do it through your husband, in the form of him hurting your feelings.

In the lifetime you will spend together, your husband will hurt your feelings from time-to-time. It is those moments where you must remind yourself whom you serve and why you serve Him. There is no way that I can give my husband the very best of myself if I'm not walking in faith. And you won't be able to, either.

Its O.K. to be hurt. Its O.K. to be wounded. It's O.K. to acknowledge that you are human and flawed. But sometimes the greatest gift you can give yourself is mercy. Let him off the hook. Extend the grace God gives to you on a daily basis. Pray about it. Forgive him. When you do, you will find peace like a river. And that, my wife friend, will do your heart a world of good.

Your wife-friend in Christ,
Jessica