Now, before you think I'm stuck in some unhappy marriage with a man who is clearly NOT my soul mate, read on...
As I've grown up into my wife role, I've learned a few things.
First, I did not marry a perfect man. The blond-haired, blue-eyed boy who asked me to be his girl five years ago (and then we jumped onto the back of his white horse and rode off towards the castle in the distance) has turned into a man with flaws. And who has a front row seat to those flaws daily? Me. But despite the flaws, I still love him like crazy.
Secondly, I used to be under the illusion that "soul mates" would never fight, always agree and walk through life unscathed because their love for each other would conquer all. I never imagined I'd get a few scrapes along the way. Thankfully, my sweet husband is always there to bandage them up for me.
Oh, society, the lies you made me believe!
Listen, I'm not trying to be a pessimist here. I'm just trying to be real. And in being transparent, I just happen to be a wife who gets 'it'. Soul mates are a nice idea, but they leave couples with impossible expectations.
"You came home from work after a rough day and didn't want to talk to me because you needed some 'alone time'?! My soul mate would never treat me this way!"
"Oh, you forgot my birthday? Again?! If we were soul mates, then my birthday would be ingrained in your memory for all eternity!"
"So, here's the thing: seven years of marriage and two children later hasn't been exactly what I dreamed it would be. So, I sort of met my 'soul mate' at work and we have decided we're going to be together. I'm sorry this didn't work out. But I hope you find your soul mate, too."
You get the idea: WE PUT TOO MUCH EMPHASIS ON SOUL MATES.
The proof: Some people go so far as to destroy marriages over the idea that they didn't hold out for their soul mate. They believe that by suddenly finding their true 'soul mate'--which doesn't happen to be the person they married--it relinquishes them from their marriage, their family, and the promise they made before God to honor and love their spouse for the rest of their earthly lives.
The simple truth is: I don't believe in soul mates in the generic way society does. I believe we have the choice to choose who we spend our life with and it's up to us to make the most of our marriage.
If you find yourself doubting that you married the right person, let me take this time to reassure you. Yes, you married the right person.
In the beginning, I don't think I necessarily looked at my husband thought, "Oh, there he is! There is my soul mate."
Instead, I looked at him and thought, "There he is. There is the right man for me."
He's a man who is steadfast and strong. He's kind and gentle. He's the type of man I want to raise children with. And he's the type of man I want to be sitting beside 60 years from now as we watch our great grandchildren play on our front lawn.
Sure, we have our differences and we're both headstrong. I have my opinions and he has his. But we work through them with communication and compromise. That was something we spent the second year of our marriage figuring out.
When I look at the person I was before I married my husband, I'm always shocked to see the changes I've made over the last three years. Kelly has played a large part in changing the very core of who I am for the better.
My husband has helped me love people better. The quality that I admire most in him--compassion--has slowly worked itself into my life. My greatest hope is that the quality he loves most about me, whatever that may be, works itself into his life for the better, too. Our marriage relationship should help us become more Christ-like--not less Christ-like.
Even though I'm not a fan of the word 'soul mate', I do believe that the more we grow in love with our husbands the stronger the desire becomes to use the word 'soul mate' to describe our spouse. One of my favorite quotes from Wuthering Heights is: "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." As your marriage matures and you grow together, I hope this is a quote that helps describe your relationship.
So, how do we avoid the Soul Mate Complex?
1. Pray for wisdom
The day I married my husband, I knew that I wanted my marriage to last a lifetime. I didn't want my marriage to end the way my parents' did. So, I began praying that God would give me the wisdom I needed to be a Godly wife. Every day since, I have continued praying that God would help me to be a good wife to my husband. It's been a difficult journey because I'm human and selfish at times. But the more I pray for wisdom, the more God instills it inside of me. God does not tire of my daily requests for His wisdom. In fact, I have seen Him bless me many times over because of my willingness to seek Him in all things concerning my marriage.
2. Arm yourself with helpful tools
The greatest tool God has given to me on my Wife Journey is Debi Pearl's book, Created To Be His Helpmeet. I have mentioned this book numerous times in past posts because I truly believe that besides the Bible, this is a book every wife SHOULD OWN. I have read this book a dozen times since becoming a wife on June 18, 2011. Though I have never met Debi, she has helped me become the wife I am today. And I believe she can do the same for you.
Other tools that can help? I read many, many Godly wife blogs. Here are a few of my favorites:
The Time-Warp Wife
Unveiled Wife
Women Living Well
All of these women share helpful tools to encourage you on your Wife Journey.
3. Get rid of your 'Exit Strategy'
My husband and I have a rule: the 'D' word is not allowed in our house. It's not allowed to be brought up in our conversations or disagreements. Growing up, I heard my father say numerous times that he was 'just going to leave'. And you know what? Eventually he did. The more we say things out loud, the more we convince ourselves that we should actually do them. Our words are more powerful than we know. Instead of saying "We are never going to work through this!" try saying this instead: "This is an opportunity for us to grow stronger." Don't ever threaten to end your marriage; always aim to strengthen your marriage regardless of what you're going through.
4. Surround yourself with people who help your marriage--not people who hurt your marriage
If there is someone in your life--a close friend, adviser, family member--who doesn't support your marriage, you shouldn't spend a lot of time around them. Satan will use your friends and family to plant seeds of doubt. He's done it with me numerous times because he wants marriages to fail. He wants your children to ache and hurt. He wants to cause discord and disaster. Don't let him. Instead, be around people who encourage your marriage and vice versa. Find strong women of faith who can teach you. The Bible instructs older women to "urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God." (Titus 2:4-5) One woman I know I can always count on to help me in my Wife Journey is Kelly's aunt, Helen. She is by far my greatest ally in this role. She encourages and builds me up. And she also sets a wonderful example of what a Godly wife looks like. Ask God to bring you a woman like Aunt Helen into your life to help aid you. And then spend as much time as you can learning from her. When the time comes, ask God to help you be a good example of a Godly wife for the young women in your life.
5. Don't let the world into your head
My husband and I watch movies and TV shows occasionally, but I have really cut back on what I allow myself to view. Naturally, I tend to gravitate toward romance. This can be very harmful to my marriage because the world in which we live is warped. They have bought into the Soul Mate Complex. Nothing infuriates me more than a TV marriage gone awry. They glamorize cheating, revenge, lying, and stealing. Do not be fooled! What you see on TV is a SCRIPTED series. Real life is not scripted. And you will be held accountable for every choice--good and bad--that you make. The world view and God's view cannot both exist in your marriage. Don't let the world's view of marriage into your head. Focus on God's view of marriage.
Remember: you married the right person. Don't get hung up on the term 'soul mates'. Get hung up on the words 'husband and wife'. God always intended for your marriage to be focused on Him. Let's let our marriages glorify God in everything we say and do.
Your Wife-Friend in Christ,
Jessica
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