Appreciate the Journey

I still remember the first time I saw my husband 10 1/2 years ago. He was running through my front yard, his younger cousin chasing behind him.

At the time, I knew that moment was important. And that I was supposed to remember it. Now, it all makes sense. But almost a decade ago, I was confused. Then I became even more confused when a little voice somewhere inside said, “Well, there he is. There’s the person you’re going to marry.”

I didn't believe the voice. In fact, I laughed at the silly notion. I was never getting married. Ever.

But for some reason, a part of me was intrigued by the idea that I was staring at my future. And so my gaze lingered on the very tall, blond-haired boy running past the window a little longer than I expected.

The day my husband met me, I was a 15 year-old girl who considered "If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger" her life motto. My life motto is a little different these days. But I was, for all intents and purposes, a stubborn, opinionated, hard-headed young woman. There was nothing gentle about me; the world had made me cold.

Our first conversation ended in a fight. Isn't that how all the best love stories begin? He pushed my buttons. I made a sarcastic comment and stomped off. He chuckled at my childish ways and shook his head.

After we got married, I remember asking my husband if it was love at first sight. His response made me laugh. “Close. It was more like love at second sight.” And the second time we came into contact with each other, there was no fighting.

We quickly became friends. Our harmless banter continued, of course, and he managed to see beneath my hard exterior. It was easy to be vulnerable with him; he was trustworthy and kind. And the conversations were always simple. I never worried about saying the wrong thing or hiding my feelings. He let me talk—he still lets me talk—and just listens.

A few days after our first meeting, we headed in opposite directions. I headed to Colorado for the summer and he headed home to Oklahoma. We went without contact for over a year.

Then, we reconnected the following summer. And I began to notice the boy who would stop at nothing to get my attention. After that summer, we remained in constant contact .

We kept in touch through email, instant messaging and phone calls. There more I talked to him, the more I began to really like him. But there was just one big problem: I never felt worthy of him. To me, Kelly was--and still is--untouched by the world. He’s all good. There is nothing bad or evil in him.

The world had tainted me at a very young age. My heart had been broken. I had seen things. I knew things. I felt unworthy of his pure love.

So, I ventured out into what I called the ‘real world’. There were a few suitors, for lack of a better word. But Kelly was always in the back of my mind, even when he was 1,500 miles away from me.

After many years of chasing the girl in California, I think he realized I wasn’t interested in a long-distance relationship. He started pursing other girls, though none worked out thankfully. Naturally, I was jealous.

It wasn't until I had gotten myself into the wrong relationship that I began to think about that small voice that told me I was going to marry Kelly. I decided I wanted to be worthy of a man like Kelly. And the path I was walking down wasn't going to lead me to someone noble and kind.

At that point, he had moved on. Or so I thought. But I was still determined to turn fully commit to my life to God.

In January of 2009, after nearly a year of trying to get my life on the right track, I was sitting in a Starbucks in New York City staring at my phone, hoping he would text me. All of a sudden, at the exact moment I hoped for it, he texted me. And I realized that regardless of where I was in the world, I knew I wanted to be near him.

That's when I decided to wait for him. As long as it took. I wanted to be his wife, just like that still, small voice predicted four years earlier.

In March, a few months later, he decided he wanted to pursue a long-distance relationship with me. And so our courtship began.

For nearly two years, we spent most of our time apart, living separate lives in separate states.

It was hard. And I spent many nights crying on the phone while Kelly tried to console me.

The distance did not take a toll on our love for each other, but it did take a toll on my patience. Waiting has never been my strong suit. I'm just grateful I married a man who, when he really wants something, has all the patience in the world.

On December 25, 2010, he got down on one knee. And I said, “Yes!”

I oftentimes find myself reminiscing about how far we've come in the last 9 ½ years. Not too long ago, we were two strangers who met by chance one Spring day. Now, we’re husband and wife. And we have a a life together.

It always makes me smile to look back on those years. They remind me that love is always changing; it’s always moving forward.

Love is a journey; not a destination. And sometimes I think we need to stop for a moment and appreciate how far we've come. If we can't appreciate where it all started, I don't think we can truly appreciate where we are now.

I no longer wait excitedly for Kelly's love letters to arrive in the mail, but I wait all day long until he comes home from work. I guess you could say I spend large amounts of time waiting for my husband. But I wouldn't have it any other way. It has helped me learn how to appreciate the boy who ran across my front yard all those years ago and the man he has now become.

Appreciate the journey--appreciate your marriage. The more you appreciate something, the happier your heart will be.

Your Wife-Friend in Christ,
Jessica

Love With Intention

My husband and I spent the majority of our courtship 1,500 miles apart. To put it mildly, we didn't exactly 'know' each other when we said 'I do'. People warned me. They told me that a marriage would never work if we didn't live in the same city for at least six months prior to our wedding. Thankfully, I had my 'young love' goggles on and didn't pay them any attention. We said 'I do' and drove off into the Vegas sunset.

Fast forward one year. My husband has moved me half-way across the country. I'm living in what feels like a foreign culture (small town USA is quite different than San Diego). I don't have a car. I don't have many friends to speak of. I'm dealing with severe anxiety to the point that it's hard for me to leave the house. People have worn me down. We've been met with countless opposition. God says one thing; someone we consider to be wise counsel says contrary. And they won't leave us alone until we do what they want. We're trying to pick our battles wisely, but every day seems to bring a bigger battle than the one before. I've realized my husband has faults--many. But, then, so do I. And here we are, living together--trying building a life together--despite living completely opposite lives before marriage. I've married a sinner and so has he. And we don't always agree on everything or even get along.

It was at that point in my marriage where I began to notice a change. Sort of like the beginning of fall. The days of summer have come to a close and we now prepare for winter. I'm fed up with the old car my husband and I have to share. It sputters and dies. People stare as I try to turn it back on in the middle of an intersection. I just want a car that works. Nothing fancy. I just want it to work! I begin teaching classes and making friends. I'm no longer solely dependent on the man who promised to walk beside me for the rest of my earthly life. I'm not always home in time to have his warm meal sitting at the table. We begin seeing each other's true colors. And let me just be frank: mine were quite ugly. I'm convinced he's supposed to be the perfect spouse while I'm allowed meltdowns. I demand things from him. My controlling personality starts to emerge. He looks at me like I'm a stranger. And to be honest, I don't recognize myself either.

For a very long six-month period, I became that wife. The one the Bible warns us about. "A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm." (Proverbs 27:15) And it took me kneeling before God, asking for His help that things finally became clear.

I have failed God. And I have failed my husband.

Then the gravity of the situation starts to come into focus. I don't know how to do marriage. Have I ever seen a good marriage outside of my grandparents'?

The first 12 years of my life were spent under my parents' roof and I can't really remember what their marriage looked like. I can barely even recall what a normal evening looked like before my parents separated. So, instead of a marriage as my example in my teenage years, I'm watching as a parent's new relationship unfolds. And it's destructive. There are constant threats, harsh words and endless complaints. Love is one-sided--it's selfish. I'm in the middle of it all, trying to keep from drowning beneath the weight of this heartbreaking relationship. I don't learn trust, respect or selfless love. I learn how to be cruel. I learn how to win every argument. And I learn how to wound with my words.

I realized that if I was going to understand this marriage thing, I was going to have to search for answers. My mother handed me Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl and I read it in one day. If it wasn't for this book, my marriage may have crumbled. I may have caused more harm than good. After reading it, I knew I wanted to be a good wife. So, I slowly began to understand that marriage is not a war. It's not a relationship that's supposed to end badly in 20 years when the kids are gone and we no longer have anything in common. It is the most important relationship in my life. And if I want to have a good marriage, if I want to hang out with my best friend every day, then I have to be intentional about it. I have to make it my priority.

I always mention that I have these great conversations with my mother. Well, this entire blog post was one of those. I've been telling my mother all about my wife research. And lately, God's been showing me over and over again that if I'm going to be a good wife, I have to love with intention. And then a guest speaker at our church last night covered this whole topic. If we want to have a good relationship with others, we have to love them with intention.

My husband and I usually spend all day Saturday together. This past Saturday was no different. We do things together during the week, but we try to get out of town for the day. Even if it's just a trip up to Lowe's. When we crawled into bed that night, he leaned over and whispered that he had a great day. A year ago, those words never would have been spoken in our home. And I'm grateful that God changed my heart. Because I do genuinely try to always love my husband with intention. I don't want to have a bad marriage. The only way to avoid that is to focus on having a good one.

A few months ago, my husband and I were sitting on the couch talking. I said to him, "I know we didn't know each other as well as we probably should have when we got married. You could have turned out to be a serial killer or really boring. But I'm so glad that I married you anyway. It turns out I like you a lot more than I thought I would." He started laughing at what he calls my 'overly-dramatic' side.

Though it's only been a little over two years, going through our first rough season together made me believe in the power of commitment and that, when two hearts are focused on the same goal: to have a good marriage, they can accomplish anything. It's not always rainbows and butterflies. My difficult side comes out every now and then. And Kelly, well, the man isn't perfect, but he sure tries. We have rough days. They remind me that every day I have to intentionally fight for my marriage.

Your Wife-Friend in Christ,
Jessica

Don't Be A Complainer

"Do everything without complaining and arguing so you may become blameless and pure." (Philippians 2:14-15)

If you were to ask my husband what he dislikes most about me, he'd probably say something along the lines of: "I wish she didn't complain so much."

It's not that I spend my days complaining or nagging my husband to death. It's just that he really, really dislikes complaining. More so than anything else in the world. And since I'm human, from time-to-time that horrible instinct to complain flares up and I can really put that man in a terrible mood.

The saddest thing is that I can find just about anything to complain about if I sit there long enough. The weather. The amount of laundry piling up. The lack of sleep I'm deprived of. The neighbors' barking dog.

One day, my husband looked at me and said out-of-the-blue, "I can't handle the complaining." I figured he was talking about me, but I couldn't remember any recent complaining I had been doing. I had been making a conscious effort to avoid any type of 'idle talk'. Then, he started listing off name after name.

I tried rationalizing with him--defending the complainers. "We (meaning complainers in general) probably don't even realize we're doing it half the time," I told him. "It's just second nature. When something doesn't go my way, I immediately start complaining and don't even know I'm doing it." That's when he looked at me and said, "Yeah, but you're supposed to be better than everyone else." And I could hear my pastor's voice loud and clear. "There's always a little bit of truth in criticism."

So, I began evaluating the situation. My husband spends the majority of his time with other people. He works with them and for them. And I know that for some people, complaining is second nature. But it doesn't do any good, does it? It doesn't fix the situation or mend broken fences. It just puts everyone in a bad mood.

Hey, misery loves company, right?

When Kelly comes home after a long day of work, I know complaining is the last thing he wants to hear. That realization made me want to be the only person in his life who doesn't complain. I pray often that God reminds me of Philippians 2:14-15 every time I start complaining. "Do everything without complaining and arguing so you may become blameless and pure." I long to be 'blameless and pure' in my husband's eyes.

Sure, I slip up every now and then, but I really try to let the words I speak to him be encouraging, joyful, and uplifting. I don't always succeed, but thankfully God is good at bringing those verses to memory instantly.

If you find yourself complaining, remember to think on Philippians 2:14-15. It just might make your marriage a happier one!

Your Wife-Friend in Christ,
Jessica

I'm Practical, Not Perfect

I'm just going to be perfectly honest with you: I'm a mediocre cook. I don't do elaborate meals with cute little garnishes or candlelit dinners. I do practical. That means sometimes my husband comes home to 'mac and cheese'. He isn't always thrilled about that, but at least he doesn't go to bed starving. I used to beat myself up about my simple approach to cooking, but then I realized being a 'practical' wife is better than being a 'perfect' one.

Kelly and I work, we're involved in our church, we run a side business, we teach, we have a house that has to get taken care of and we have two rambunctious Siberian Huskies who are always getting into trouble. Saying we have a busy schedule would be an understatement. Sometimes the list overwhelms me. But then I take a moment to thank God for all of the above. We are blessed. That list is proof of it.

Tomorrow afternoon, I begin teaching. I love teaching. Even if they didn't pay me, I would still show up and teach my heart out. There really is something wonderful about standing in front of a room of students eager to learn. And when they're my Senior Citizens ready to learn how to use the computer, it's even better. So, what does a practical wife do when she works evenings? She uses the Crockpot, aka the secret weapon of a good wife.

In the wintertime, I'm big on Crockpot casseroles. Most recipes I get offline. But sometimes I'm feeling 'creative' and I come up with a really good recipe, don't write it down, and then completely forget all about it. The recipe dies as soon as the last bite is taken. It sure makes for an interesting winter.

So, what do I make in the summertime in the Crockpot? Chicken Enchilada Casserole, and Tater Tot Casserole. My husband isn't big on 'hot' food in the summertime. I decided to make fish tacos one night and he ate them for three nights after that proclaiming that he could "live off of these things." I'm sure it had a little something to do with the fact that I made Rubio's fish tacos with white sauce. The white sauce is super easy: 1/2 cup mayonaise, 1/2 cup yogurt. Fish tacos and the like are what my husband calls 'cold' meals. The one interesting thing I've learned about him since getting married is that he really is a creature of habit. So, we stick to chicken, hot dogs, salads, sandwiches, and other slightly cooler meals in the summertime.

But this morning I was feeling creative. I pulled down the Crockpot, pondered what to put inside and then plugged it in. What am I attempting to make? A simpler version of Chicken Pot Pies...without the pie. Instead of baking a 'pie', I've made the Chicken Pot Pie stew and we're throwing it over flaky biscuits. It could turn out to be an EPIC failure. If it does, I know I can always count on my husband to gently say, "Please don't make that in the future" as he smiles and manages to choke down the last piece on his plate. Like I said, I'm practical--not perfect.

I think our society has this idea of the 'perfect' wife. She works full time, her house is spotless, her children are well-behaved, her hair is perfect and she is always calm and collected. She does everything and makes it look easy. If only that were the case! I would love an Easy button every now and then. The truth is, this wife thing is far from easy. It's what many women refer to as a job "that never ends." There is no 9-5 option. You are a wife 100% of the time and it's not always easy, but I think it's the hardest job I've ever loved as much as I do.

An old friend of mine told me recently that he couldn't believe I was a wife. And what he considered a good one at that. It was a big compliment coming from him because he has seen me at my worst. My parents had just divorced, we moved in next door, and I was on the brink of literally losing it. I was selfish, young, ambitious and not interested in marriage at any point in my future. Fast forward 12 years and those things I used to be no longer describe me. Sometimes I am a little selfish--we all are. We're human. But then I remember what my goal in life is: to be a good, practical wife who loves her husband and somehow manages to get as much done as she can in a day.

I do strive for perfection, but I always give myself room to mess up. It's taught me a great lesson in life: forgiving yourself is key. Forgive your shortcomings, forgive your mistakes and forgive your imperfections. Focus on what you're good at. Be practical--not perfect.

Your Wife-Friend in Christ,
Jessica

My Secrets To A Happier Marriage

When I got married, I was under no illusion that marriage would be all rainbows and butterflies. Witnessing the destruction of my parents' marriage at the young age of 12 taught me a thing or two about this nearly impossible relationship. It's a 24/7 job that is full of hard work, sacrifice and grace. And if you're lucky like me, you'll marry a man who doesn't mind the fact that you talk his ear off the moment he gets home from work until the moment he falls asleep at night. Every. Single. Day.

If you really think about marriage, it's almost as if God set it up to be the most difficult thing you'll ever attempt in your life. Think about it. You have two people, who were raised in two completely different homes, coming together to spend the next 70-80 years of their life under one roof. Oh, and they're not suppose to kill each other. Yeah, like I said, it's a nearly impossible relationship. But when God's at the center of it, it becomes a relationship full of possibilities. 

Our wedding day was perfect despite the 110 degree weather in Las Vegas. Yes, we got married in Vegas. It may sound cliche, but we actually wed in a fancy chapel. I wore a gorgeous white dress and my husband was decked out in a nice tux that I picked out. No, he has not yet forgiven me for picking out his tux. That's why in 23 years, when we have our vow renewal ceremony, I will be letting him pick out my dress. I sure hope I don't live to regret that promise.

I wasn't always the woman I am now. I used to be a little bit...controlling? No, that's not the right word. Untrustworthy maybe. I'm not exactly sure. I was convinced if I didn't pick out Kelly's outfit, I'd be walking down the aisle to a man in a powder blue tuxedo wearing flip flops. I guess I still feel that way. I pick out his clothes every morning, iron them, and then place them on the bed for him to slip into. Overbearing...that's the right word! I am overbearing. But he doesn't seem to mind too much.

Anyway, we got married in Vegas with family and then ate at The Bootlegger. Seriously, they have the most amazing food. I sometimes ask Kelly to drive me to Vegas for dinner because I am craving their lasagna. One of these days, I know he'll say 'yes'. After our delicious dinner, we drove off into the sunset. The next morning, our marriage began. 

Like all young girls, I was raised in a home with Disney movies. I don't blame my parents for letting me watch them. It helped me to have high standards. O.K. so there hasn't been any horseback riding into the sunsets with my prince. But from time-to-time we drive off into the Oklahoma sunset in his 1970 Maverick. It's almost as romantic. The one thing I think Disney fails to show is the relationship after the wedding. So many girls I know focus on the wedding. "It's going to be gorgeous!" "It's going to be the best day of my life!" "I can't wait to say those vows!" I never felt that way. I never wanted to plan a wedding. Hence the location. I guess you could say I didn't really put all my energy into the wedding. I put it into trying to be a good wife. And you know what happened, God opened many doors for me to learn. He's even taught me a few secrets of the trade. I'm still a work-in-progress, which means He's still teaching me about this wife thing.

So, what exactly has 3 years, 6 months, and 9 days of marriage taught me? Well, here you go.

1. Don't argue. Whatever you're arguing over, it's not worth it. Believe me, I would rather live in a peaceful house with a happy husband than in a home where I'm always right. Pick your battles. Arguing with your husband over what color to paint the walls is not one of them. Besides, I've learned that if I gently suggest something, he's probably going to listen better than if I'm angrily shouting at him and pouting. How do I know? I lived through my first year of marriage that way. 

2. Respect your husband. I know the eyes are rolling. And some of you are probably even saying, "He doesn't deserve my respect!" But it's a well-known secret many pastors and their wives have passed on to me: Men, above all else, want to be respected. So, respect him. Even on the days he doesn't deserve it. Because I can tell you that it's on those days he needs your respect most. A sure sign that you're not respecting your husband is an unhappy, sarcastic man. Don't question his decisions. Don't try to control them. Respect him enough to let him make the decisions. Instead of disrespecting or undermining him, try praying. God will honor a woman who respects her husband. Ask any good wife. She'll attest to this.

3. Go along for the ride. I have not always been an adventurous person. In fact, I have always found the word 'homebody' to be a good description of my personality. I love being home. I'm not sure why. So it took me a while to let loose when Kelly would come home and say, "Let's go for a ride." "Where are we going?" I would ask. "Do I need a jacket? Should I grab my purse? How long will be gone?" Oh my, the questions were endless. And my husband would look at me like I was crazy. In the end, I just gave in. My only request is that he lets me use the ladies' room before we head off on our adventures. A few months ago, as I was dropping off his forgotten lunch at work, he asked me to go to Ponca City with him. I hadn't showered, my hair was a mess and I was still wearing my pajama shirt. But I went anyway. And we had a great time despite my messy appearance that he didn't even notice. Wherever I'm going, I know he'll take good care of me. 

4. Compliment him. I know my husband doesn't need my compliments. He has never been the type of person who looks to others for approval. But I compliment him anyway. I tell him he's handsome and smart. He's hard-working and strong. I want him to know how I see him. I try to take an interest what he's interested in. Which is mostly web design. I'm just going to be honest with you: I will never be a web developer. Sure, I can write an 80,000 word book, but I refuse to code one line. It's miserable work to me. But for my husband's sake, I get involved in his projects and attempt to learn from him. And he likes that. It's also good for our marriage. I know how hard he works day in and day out. It's also the reason I am able to compliment him on his skills. You don't have to be interested in everything he does, but take time out of your day to try and find something you can help him with. He will be eternally grateful to you.

5. Let him lead you. I think this is the one I struggled with most. I come from a divorced family. That means I spent most of my teenage years leading myself. Both my parents worked early mornings so I was in charge of getting myself to school. And, on occasion, my brother (when he wasn't too busy trying to come up with excuses as to why he couldn't go to school that day). I packed my suitcase that traveled between houses. I worked a job to pay for my cell phone, gas, and car insurance. I led my life very well. Then I got married. And there I was, looking at my husband thinking, "There's no way he's going to be a better leader than I am. I've had 10 years experience. He's had zero." But, thankfully, God opened my eyes. Regardless of how well my husband does his job of leading me, I'm going to follow him. That's my job. My job is not to decide where we're going to live or what cars we're going to drive (trust me if I had my way, I'd be cruising around in a Lincoln MKX with a heated steering wheel). Of course he asks my opinion, but in the end he knows I'm going to follow wherever he leads. Like I mentioned earlier, God honors a wife who submits to her husband's authority of leadership. That doesn't mean I'm a doormat. It simply means I give my husband the responsibility of making all final big decisions. He's done great so far. And he's proven to me that I can trust him. 

6. Make your home a joyful place. My husband is gone for 8-9 hours a day. And I view those 8-9 hours as my personal time. That means I am free to do whatever I need to before he comes home at night. I go run errands, shop, blog, write, cook, read, clean, work, play my music loudly and talk on the phone to relatives. The hours between 9-6 are mine. All mine. I spend my mornings getting my husband off to work. I make his breakfast, pack his lunch, iron his clothes, and walk him to the car to kiss him goodbye. When he gets home at night, we eat dinner, shop for electronics, make estimates, walk the dogs, watch his favorite TV shows (which are always about the state of Alaska. Seriously, I know more about Alaska than I do about California. And I grew up there!). The list is endless. But to put it in simpler terms: we do what he wants to do. And I'm fine with that because I have 8-9 hours in a day to do whatever I need to do. It's what has allowed me to create a joyful home. I'm happy because I've gotten all my stuff done and he's happy because we're doing his stuff together. Husbands are happy to come home to joyful house. A house filled with tension and strife is a home they'll try to avoid. When my husband comes home from work, a hot meal is sitting on the table for him, a candle is lit in the entryway, I've picked up the house and turned off all noisy devices. After a long day of work, he comes home to a quiet house with food waiting. If that doesn't make a man happy, I honestly don't know what will.

7. A grateful wife is key to a happy marriage. At least once a day, I thank my husband for choosing me to be his wife. You would think he would grow tired of hearing me say these words, but he never does. Instead, he gives me a big hug and a kiss. Listen, my life before him wasn't terrible. It was filled with many good things. But when Kelly walked into my life, everything changed. It was like he knew my needs before I did. That's why he moved me to Oklahoma. Though he could see things more clearly, it took me leaving behind my former life to realize how destructive it really was. I lived in a town I only associated with pain. Pain from my parents' separation. The pain of a broken heart, broken relationships, broken dreams. Looking back now, I'm grateful he saved me from a life I was miserable living. And for that, I will always be grateful to him. Gratefulness is a wonderful attitude to have toward your spouse. It helps you overlook their flaws (trust me, we all have them!) and focus on the good.

I'm not a perfect wife and I don't have the perfect marriage. I fail every day. But the great thing about failing is that I learn from my mistakes. You know what my attitude toward this wife thing is? Strive to be the best I can every day. That is my attitude toward marriage. I'm going to mess up and so is he. That's why we leave room in our marriage for grace. We haven't always had the best marriage, but we work on it all the time. Someday, maybe we'll master this nearly impossible relationship. For now, I think we just focus on one day at a time. That's all you can really do.

Your Wife Friend in Christ,
Jessica