His Opinion of Your Beauty

I remember the night quite well. I was sitting around a table at Pizza Hut with several other people and my husband. Out of the blue, someone says very bluntly, "Jessi, since you've gotten married, you've really let yourself go."

I was stunned. The kind of stunned that left me speechless for the remainder of the night. I looked down at my jeans and sweatshirt. Then around the table. Everyone was wearing the exact same jean-and-sweatshirt combo I was. It was, after all, quite cold outside. And as I surveyed my cowboy boots, I wondered what in the world the person to my left was talking about.

My husband and I got into our car and I sighed. He asked what was wrong. 

"So-and-so said I've let myself go since we've gotten married."

Laughter. That's what soon filled our car. My husband laughing hysterically. 

"Why are you laughing?" I asked. "I'm bothered by this statement. I mean, I weigh less now than when we got married. My clothes are much nicer. I even do my hair before leaving the house every day. I don't understand it."

My husband scoffed. "Don't listen to him. You are more beautiful today than the day I married you." 

And because I know my husband cannot tell a lie to save his life, I knew that he meant what he said.

Here's the thing: sometimes people say cruel things. And though I was hurt by the comment, my husband's response soon made me realize that the world's view of me and my husband's are quite different. 

I never want my husband to stop telling me I'm beautiful. Because his opinion on my beauty--not the world's--means the most to me.

I too often believe that we allow the world to have the majority rule in our beauty. We allow the world to tell us that our jean size is too big or too small. We allow the world to tell us that our hair color isn't ideal. We allow the world to tell us that no one could love us unless we look perfect. 

But I've been married long enough now to know that my husband doesn't see my imperfections the way the world does. He doesn't notice the tooth that sits crooked in my mouth. He doesn't notice that I have one strange eyebrow that refuses to look like the other. And he doesn't notice that the top half of my body is a completely different size than the bottom half, which makes swimsuit shopping a nightmare.

Instead, he likes my smile and the way my eyes light up when I get excited. He likes that someday this body of mine will carry his children and then give birth to them. He doesn't see the imperfections. He just sees me. And I try every day to let his opinion on my beauty have the majority rule in my life. 

When your husband tells you you're beautiful, know that he truly means it. He did, after all, fall in love with you--your good and bad qualities. If anyone's opinion is going to matter, it should be his.

Your Wife-Friend in Christ,

Jessica

The In-Laws

When I started this series, I knew my posts would eventually lead me here. And I dreaded it. Because I don't feel that I'm really qualified to talk about this subject. But when God is leading you to do something, it's best to ask for guidance and wisdom and let Him do the rest.

Before I begin, I think it's important that you understand this post is not about bashing your husband's family. In fact, it's quite the opposite. If you're looking for a post telling you that you have every right to not show up for family holidays or invite your in-laws over for dinner, this isn't it.

This will be a post that:
1. Encourages you to love your in-laws wholeheartedly
2. Encourages you to treat your in-laws well
3. Encourages you to encourage your husband to do 1 & 2

My husband and I spent the 18 months we dated/courted 1,500 miles apart. We rarely saw each other. Simply put: I didn't know my in-laws when I traveled 1,500 miles to Oklahoma (with my husband, Mom and cat) and moved into their home for the first 2 weeks we lived here.

Looking back, I'm grateful that my in-laws were so gracious. They allowed my mother--who they had met only twice--to live with them as well. If that's not sacrificial love for their son, I honestly can't tell you what is.

Naturally, we hit a few rough patches that just needed smoothing over. And lots of grace and understanding.

I was raised in an entirely different home than my husband was. I was raised by two people with completely different personalities than my in-laws. I come from a broken home and lived many years out of a suitcase, never really calling any one place 'home'. I can't even remember what it was like to have both my mother and father living under the same roof. My husband and I's home lives growing up were as different as night and day. And that's O.K. It's shaped us both into the people we are today.

But here is what that has taught me: my in-laws raised the man who loves me and asked me to be his wife. They raised him with a fierce determination to learn and grow. They raised him in church, which enabled him to find a ministry he loves. They taught him skills like sewing, car repair, and carpentry that have saved us tons of money. They cared for him. They encouraged him. They nurtured him in a safe environment devoid of fear. They clothed him. They fed him. They took him to doctors appointments, dentist appointments and to the ER when his tooth was shot out by his brother's Airsoft gun. They let him spend summers in California where he met me. They let him build a computer, which allowed him to email me every day. They gave him every good quality he possesses today. They raised the man I call my dearest friend. And your husband's parents did the same for you.

I don't know if you get along with your in-laws. If you do, praise God! If you don't, maybe it's time to start re-evaluating your relationship with your husband's family.

Not sure where to begin?

Here's how you can start loving your in-laws better today:

1. Take on an attitude of gratitude.
If you're having problems with your in-laws, write a list of reasons why you're grateful to them. I'll help you out. The first one should be: raising your husband. The more reasons you list, the more grateful you'll be. You may have to think hard, but at the end of the day, these people were the first to love your husband and to invest in him. He is who is he because of them. Remember that on the hard days.

2. Let things go.
I don't know what types of problems you've encountered with your in-laws, but it's best to just leave them in the past. Where they belong. Move forward. Don't cling to something that happened five years ago. Accept that it happened, tell them how you felt if you need to, and then let it go. Remember: these people raised the man you love. It's not going to kill you to forgive them for that rude comment they made about how awful the dish you brought for dinner was.

3. Talk to them.
If there's one thing I know about my father-in-law, it's that he loves to talk about cars, motorcycles...basically anything with a motor. So, I ask him questions. Though I can't always understand the mechanics, because they sound foreign to me, I try to. And that's what's important. Try. Make an effort. Remember: these people raised the man you love. It's not going to kill you to take an interest in their interests.

4. Respect them.
They're family by marriage and in your life for good. You can't change that, so act like a daughter. Do kind things for them. Treat them with respect. If you respect your husband, you'll respect his loved ones even if they don't deserve it. It's simple as that.

5. Don't make him choose.
Your husband should never have to choose between his family and you. If I'm in the middle of something and Kelly wants to head over to his parents; house, I let him go. I don't mind that he spends time alone with his family. I'm not going to make him choose between fixing a car with his dad and watching me write a blog post. I'm going to let him go. Because I love him and I love how much he loves his family.

The best way to look at it is like this: One day in the future, hopefully many, many years from now, your in-laws won't be around. They won't be here anymore to love your husband, to spend time with him, to give him advice, to make him meals, and to remind him how far he's come since he was just a little guy who used to climb trees and scrape his knees. And they won't be here to love you, either.

Time is a fragile thing. Do your best to treat your in-laws well, even if they don't do the same for you. And encourage your husband to treat his family well, too. The best gift you can give your husband is your efforts to make sure his family and you get along and love each other.

Your Wife-Friend in Christ,
Jessica

A Letter to the Angry Wife

Dear Angry Wife,

I know that you're human. I know that you're tried. I know that you're wounded. Because I've been there. I have been the 'Angry Wife'.

I'm not sure what you're angry about. It's really none of my business. But I want you to know that I care about your marriage. I so deeply care about your union with your husband. And because I care so much, I felt led to write this letter to you.

You and I--we married flawed men. They have, and will, disappoint us because like us, they are only human. They will make mistakes. They will push us to our limits. Though they will try, they won't always meet our every need. They will, ultimately, fail us. 

Because they will fail us, we will spend a big part of our marriage forgiving these flawed creatures we share a home with. And we'll have to let things go more often than we really want to.

These sinners we have married are tasked with a hard job, just like ours. They are called to be leaders--to lead spiritually, physically, and financially. These tasks come with a great amount of responsibility. And stress. When he's stressed out, what he needs most is grace--not anger.

I don't know why you're angry. Maybe your husband is cheating on you. Maybe he's putting his needs above yours. Maybe he's mean. Maybe he's not as romantic as he once was. Maybe he expects more out of you than you can give. I don't know why you're angry, but I know that nothing can be resolved when you're angry.

An angry wife can destroy her marriage quickly. She can rob her household of peace and joy. She can force her husband to work late and get up early just to avoid her. Eventually, he will stop communicating with her altogether.

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires." James 1:19

You have a choice everyday. You can choose to be a joyful wife who overlooks her husband's shortcomings, or you can choose to be an angry wife who repels her husband.

Angry Wife, please don't ruin your marriage over his choices. Don't push him away when he needs you most. Offer grace, forgiveness and encouragement. I have never met a man who hasn't been charmed by his smiling, joyful wife.

Whatever you're angry about today, let it go. Hand it over to God. Start--right from this moment--choosing joy over anger. With your encouragement and love, your husband will slowly become the man you often pray he steps up to be.

Angry Wife become the Joyful Wife today and watch your marriage slowly restore itself.

Your Wife-Friend in Christ,

Jessica

How to Build Common Interest With Your Husband

When Kelly and I first got married, we only had a few things in common. Our faith, love of road trips, life goals, and many personality traits.

But our passions--writing and web development--were very different. Our different passions have always given us an independence from one another because I have no desire to code or program and he has no desire to sit down and spend hours playing with words on a screen or sheet of paper.

In our marriage, our separate passions have always been a great experience for us. We share practically everything and go practically everywhere together, but our desks sit on opposite sides of the house and we normally separate to work on our passions.

As the years have moved forward, God has strategically used our separate passions to pull us closer to one another. Oftentimes, Kelly has to send long emails or write text for his web clients. Though I love to write long and short stories, I'm more focused on blogging now. That means we have had to merge our two passions to accomplish similar goals. It's been a beautiful experience watching our passions seamlessly flow together. And I know only God could have planned for them to collide. He knew we would each need the other's talent to further our dreams.

Our passions have expanded now that we're older. We both love to teach. We both love to work with our hands. We both love to explore with the dogs--and alone. And we do it together.

The more my husband and I have in common, the deeper our conversations become and the sweeter life itself  becomes. When we are old and frail, we're probably spend the majority of our time reminiscing about all the hours we spent in Lowe's holding hands or our trips to different cities to explore. If we didn't have a strong friendship, we probably wouldn't enjoy the time we spent together as much as we do now.

The things you have in common with your husband are an important part of your marriage because as children, careers, and life come and go, your marriage will end the same way it began, with just the two of you. If you don't have similar interests, now's the time to start working on it.

How to build common interests with your husband:

1. Pick an interest of your husband's and then ask him to help you understand it better.
My husband is a marketing whiz. He really is! He can market anything well with enough time and resources. I think marketing is interesting and needed to learn more about it to teach a class. Kelly and I spent--and still do spend--hours sitting at my computer as he showed me the basics of internet marketing. I like learning from my husband and I'm glad I found an interest of his I enjoy learning about. He also enjoys sharing with me. Your husband will enjoy sharing his passion with you, too!

2. Cultivate interests together.
I am not an adventurous person by nature, but I try very hard to be for my husband. We explore cities, national parks, new restaurants, and activities. I--who am a self-professed hater of roller coasters--will even ride roller coasters for my husband. Yes, I will subject myself to an entire day of feeling like I'm going to throw up at any moment just for him. Because I know how much he loves amusement parks and it's just one day that I sacrifice for his bliss. I also usually get a nice dinner out of it, so it's worth it for me. As we explore new adventures together, we do find things we love to do together--and some things we don't like to do. We've discovered that we love to work on house projects together. We also love to garden and take the dogs for long hikes. We like going to the lake and miniature-golfing. We have found interests--together--that we enjoy doing with one another. It's all about trial-and-error.

3. Appreciate the time you have together.
Life is busy and the older you get, the busier it will become. Regardless of the activity, you should learn to enjoy the moments you get to spend together. Life--though it may appear long--is very short. And none of us ever really know when it will be over. So, hold hands and laugh a lot. If he wants to take you to some monster truck extravaganza, GO! Feel honored that as he wants YOU sitting beside him as he engages in one of his favorite activities.

Your Wife-Friend In Christ,
Jessica

When You Fail Him

I remember the first time I failed my husband. I was going through a period in my life where I woke up with anxiety almost every morning. My entire day would be spent in a state of constant anxiousness. 

At the time, we only had one car. And after a few mishaps driving our trusty old 1970 Ford Maverick, I could no longer handle the stress of driving it coupled with my anxiety. Breaking down in the middle of an intersection brought me to tears and my chest felt like someone was sitting on top of me. The only way I made it to my husband's work to pick him up was by the grace of God, and seven minutes of crying out in agony that God would get me to my destination before I had a complete meltdown.

It was at this point that my reliance on my husband was so demanding that I truly believe it made him resent me, though he would never admit it. 

I had a difficult time leaving the house. I had a difficult time going into stores and to church. I had a hard time just trying to exist. And he beared the weight of his wife's weakness quite well. But I could see it etched on his face every time I asked him if I could stay home from church because my anxiety was crippling:

He longed to have back the wife he married. 

The free-spirited, independent woman who captured his heart when he was just 15 years old. The loud, cheerful woman who happily kissed him goodbye every morning. The woman who loved to laugh and play. 

And to tell you the honest truth, I missed her as well. 

I was weak for the first time in my life, and I was failing my husband as his help meet. The guilt was almost too much to handle.

You and I are going to fail our husbands. When our weaknesses are on full display for our spouse to see, I believe that they will rise to the occasion. For how long? I'm not sure. I know that my husband would allow me to rely on him for my every need for the rest of his life if that's what I needed. My husband is fiercely loyal and noble. But I knew that I could not live that way anymore. I could not--and would not--be afraid.

So, I took action. I finally talked to my mom and told her everything that was going on. She recommended that I talk to our pastor's wife. I did and she suggested I journal daily. 

I tried for a few weeks, but found that I was having a difficult time doing so. I had spent my whole childhood and teenage years using Word to write practically everything. As much as I love writing, I can't do it with a pen and paper. My husband told me I should start blogging. Taking his suggestion to heart, I sat down at my computer and started this blog to document my journey. And I'm very happy to say that I have not experienced any anxiety since the day I decided to blog of God's goodness and faithfulness.

I'm going to fail my husband. And you will fail yours. But God constantly reminds me that he does not expect me to be perfect in my wife role. He knows better than I do that I will falter and will need forgiveness. As long as I begin each day with the desire to be a good help meet to my husband, God will never fail me in my role. He will always provide me with wisdom and opportunity. And, my dearest wife friend, he will do the same for you.

I'm so grateful that God filled the Bible with stories of women just like you and me. They have a beautiful desire to do good, they fail, they ask for forgiveness and guidance, and God changes their heart for the better.

Read one of my favorites, the Woman at the Well, here. 

When you fail him, remember that the words "I'm sorry" are the most powerful words in a marriage. Acknowledge your failure, ask God to give you the wisdom to not make the same mistake again, and trudge on!

Your marriage is worth fighting for!

Your Wife-Friend in Christ,

Jessica

Preparing For Marriage: Waiting For Mr. Right

You probably daydream about him all the time.

You wonder what color his hair will be. What color his eyes will be. Will he be tall or short? Will he be funny and kind? Or noble and brave?

If you're anything like me, then I'm sure you wonder what his name will be most of all. And, more importantly, what your last name will one day be.

Believe it or not, I already knew the name of my husband by the time I started daydreaming about marriage. I just didn't know he would be the man who would one day stand at an altar and wait for me, his bride, to walk towards him in her puffy white dress surrounded by family in an Italian-themed chapel near the Vegas strip.

But there he was. And I, escorted by the first man who ever loved me, walked toward him with so much happiness and excitement. That day is--and probably will always be--my favorite day.

Because he was worth the wait. Mr. Right was worth the every second I longed for him.

I know what it's like to wait and pray for your future husband. At times, it's a piece of cake and patience comes easily. Other times, I went kind of crazy and was determined to find this poor guy because he was taking forever. My searches never ended well for me.

It was during those crazy times that I started writing letters to my future husband. Every time I had a free moment, I'd write down a thought or two just to let him know I was anxiously anticipating the moment he would slip a ring on my left hand and ask me to be his forever.

After we got married, I presented these letters to my husband and warned him that I hadn't read any since taping them up and slipping them inside an old shoe box. But he sat there on the floor, surrounded by a pile of letters, and read every single one of them smiling the whole time. And it melted my heart.

Right now, you're on the other side of marriage. You're waiting for the right person to come along. And they will in due time. Can I just take this moment to reassure you that they will be worth the wait? Don't settle for Mr. Right Now. Don't settle for less than God's best.

The single most important decision you will make in your life will not be where you live or what career path you choose; it will be the man you marry. You don't want to marry someone who isn't going to be the best husband for you. Patience isn't always easy; but in the end, it will be worth every hour you spent waiting.

So, what do you do in the meantime while you're waiting for Mr. Right?

Enjoy the solitude!

Don't take this the wrong way; I love being married. But you can't be selfish in a marriage. You can't put your wants and needs above someone else's if you want your marriage to have any chance of lasting.

So, be selfish now. Take the time you're waiting and do things for yourself. Go on lots of adventures and read classic literature. Volunteer. Write. Explore. Learn how to play the guitar. When you get married, you'll still be able to do all of those things--but your time will be limited. Appreciate your singleness. It won't be that way--thankfully!--forever.

When your solitude does come to an end, you'll be grateful for the time you had to work on yourself--to be alone. As you grow into your marriage, you tend to lose a part of your identity. There's nothing wrong with that; you and your husband are supposed to become "one flesh". But you'll be grateful for the free time you had to find yourself, to go on your own adventures, and to ready yourself for marriage.

Enjoy this season! It will pass quickly and, before you know it, you'll be riding off into the sunset with your Prince Charming.

Your Wife-Friend in Christ,
Jessica

Preparing For Marriage: The Hard Work Your Wife Role Entails

"Anything worthwhile is hard work." And marriage is no exception to that rule. 

If our country's current divorce rate--50%--is any indication of our nation's view on marriage, it's that hard work is too hard. 

It also indicates that a lot of marriages fail that don't have to. Naturally, there are extraordinary cases where it's the only option. But I'm not talking about those; I'm talking about the marriages that don't have to end.

I firmly believe that the majority of marriages end due to a lack of knowledge. That knowledge? Marriage is hard work and it can't survive without Jesus. 

We live in a culture that twists lust into love and encourages adultery, lying and stealing. If you don't believe me, turn on the T.V. Take a look around your neighborhood. Talk to your coworkers. Pick up a best-selling novel. The point is: our culture is trying to destroy perfectly good marriages over the idea that they're imperfect. 

So, what does this mean for you? It means that you are going to have to spend every waking moment of married life fighting for your marriage. That makes marriage sound impossible, doesn't it? It also makes it sound like I'm attempting to talk you out of marriage. That's not what I'm intending here.

Here's what I'm trying to do: I'm trying to prepare you for your wife role. I'm trying to give you all of the information up front so you're not shocked when your marriage goes through rough patches. I'm trying to arm you with every weapon you'll ever need to fight against the forces that will no doubt try to destroy your union. Because they will come. And you can't fight for something you're not prepared for.

At times, you'll be battling external forces. The loss of a job. Illness. Family members that are determined to keep you apart. Friends that don't want to share you with someone else. Mentors and advisers that give you advice from the flesh--not from the Word. Acquaintances that will attempt to tarnish your name and reputation. Strangers that will bad mouth marriage, speak negativity over you and attempt to harm you. There are numerous external forces and they will catch you at your weakest moments. 

Then, there are internal forces. Your husband will have a rough day at work and he'll come home in a terrible mood. You'll be physically and emotionally exhausted from time-to-time because keeping a house, running errands, working and church activities will wear you out. You'll snap at him. Maybe you'll nag him to help you take out the trash. Whatever the internal forces are, they'll be a result of both of you being human and imperfect. In my experience, these forces are worse than external forces. Because you can stand strong by each other to take on the world; you may not be holding hands as you battle it out over who gets to do the dishes. 

Marriage is hard work, but if you understand that now--if you prepare yourself for the hard parts of this God-ordained union--then you will enjoy the good and easy moments to their fullest. Marriage can be hard work, but it can also be fun and satisfying. The amount of work you're willing to put into your marriage will determine your success. The most successful marriages I know have worked through the darkest moments only to reach the other side stronger and better than ever.

So, how do you prepare for the hard work ahead:

1. Get in the habit of praying for your husband now.

That's right, right now! Don't wait until you're married, start praying for his relationship with God, spiritual leadership, health, humility, virtue, responsibilities, prayer life, obedience, patience, and desire to protect your future marriage. Make a point to pray for him whenever he crosses your mind. When you get married, you'll already be in the habit of praying for him. And he will need your prayers every single day.

2. Read your Bible.

I love reading about Ruth and Esther. After one read through, I spend several days studying out each woman--OFTEN. I study how they respond to authority figures, their husbands, and God. I study how they conduct themselves in the presence of others. I study the words they use to speak. I study them until I have learned something new about each lady. These days, I know their stories backwards and forwards, but I didn't always. I wasn't prepared for my wife role when I got married. These stories were just stories to me. Now, they're tools I use to help myself understand this wife role better. God put these ladies' stories in the Bible for you and me. Read them. Study them. Get to know them. They are wonderful examples of Godly wives. 

3. Don't get wrapped up in the world.

The world is full of interesting people who will cross your path. They'll try convince you that you're too young to get married. They'll tell you that you 'have to take the car for a test ride before you buy it.' And the world will try to sell you on the idea that if you're ever unhappy in your marriage, you can always end it. Don't listen to the world. Don't get caught up in the lies. When you let in the world's view, you'll set yourself up for failure. Focus instead on what God says about marriage. 

"...a man will eave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24)

"A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones." (Proverbs 12:4)

"Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them." (Colossians 3:18-19)

The best way to prepare for marriage is to pray it about often. God loves when his children come to him seeking wisdom. He freely gives it once asked. Ask for his wisdom concerning your future wife role. Ask him to help you prepare for the hard work that lies ahead. And ask him to protect your marriage at all times.

Your Wife-Friend In Christ,

Jessica