When He Drives You Insane

On the outside, married life seems pretty glamorous. At least, it did to me before I was married. I loved that quote about getting to have a sleepover with your best friend every night. It just made marriage sound so fun! 

Don't misunderstand me: marriage is fun. But the repeat sleepovers eventually become the 'norm' and you realize that you actually have to share a bed with someone. Until you die.

The other night, I woke up to the back of Kelly's head slamming into the front of my head. I screamed out a chorus of "owwwwwiieeeee" for two minutes straight. He gently patted my stomach and said, "Are you OK?" before passing back out.

I laid awake the rest of the night, mumbling under my breath. I bet I'm bleeding all over the pillow. I need a bigger bed. I need more pillows to use as a massive barrier...why are all three dogs piled on our small bed? I. CAN'T. SLEEP.

It's these nights that make for really long days. They also reveal one universal truth: eventually, he will drive you insane.

My husband woke up that next morning--after head-butting me--to a cranky wife. I hate to admit this because I'm usually not a cranky wife. But life was stressful and I hadn't had a good night's sleep in over two weeks. For the record, my nose was extremely sensitive that morning, too.

I attempted to brush it off but when my husband decided to stick his entire palm on my face to greet me good morning, I came unglued.

I'm pretty good at ignoring my husband's bad habits. Hey, we all have them. He ignores mine, too. But when he face-palmed me that morning, I had a meltdown. I angrily packed his lunch. I angrily ironed his clothes. And I angrily kissed him good-bye. When he was gone, I angrily sat down on the couch and proclaimed to the silence that I would not be able to do anything today because I had to make an appointment for my broken nose.

Looking back at my reaction, I know things were not handled well on my part. At all. And I may have overreacted.

Here's what I did wrong:
1. I did not sleep in even though I really needed to.
2. I chose anger over peace.
3. I chose to let the occurrence ruin my day.

Here's what I did right:
1. I did not say anything harsh or angry to my husband.

Hey, that's progress.

99 times out of 100, I will respond correctly to the things that annoy me about my husband. I will ignore, brush off, or simply laugh. But every once in a while, a perfect storm is set up and I fail miserably. The other day was a good example of that.

So what do you do when your husband drives you insane? You have two paths to choose from: engage or ignore.

Engage
Small annoyances can begin wars. They can divide a home and destroy its peace. Children are forced to choose sides and no one ends up happy. Winning a battle you've started with your spouse will not make you happy. It will drive a wedge between you. As the years progress, that wedge will widen until the divorce papers are served. A marriage that had the potential to set a good example for your children and the young people in your life will be ruined. A marriage that had the potential to do great things for the Lord will be ruined. If you choose to engage, you will start a war that neither of you can win.

Ignore
One of the best lessons I've learned in this life is to ignore people when they do things that annoy me. Here's why: first, you're not encouraging their behavior. And secondly, you're not allowing your negative emotions to emerge. Eventually, they will stop the behavior because you're not responding to it. However, people are creatures of habit so it may come out again in the future. Just ignore. When you choose to overlook their annoying behavior--and remember that they're only human--you're choosing joy. You're choosing peace. And you're choosing to set your relationship above all else. It's the wiser path. Trust me.

I was on the verge of engaging my husband the other day. But I'm thankful God reminded me that small annoyances are just a part of marriage. If you focus on them, you will destroy your chances of having a joyful union.

Choose to ignore and move on. You married a sinning, flawed man, give him some grace. He needs it more than you know.

Your Wife-Friend in Christ,
Jessica

Be His Loudest Cheerleader

The world will stop at nothing to tear down my husband. People willingly and openly oppose him. They try to damage his career, his character and his confidence. And I'm sure they do the same to your husband, too.

I suppose this comes with the territory of being a Christian. As my pastor says, "If you're not being met with opposition, it's time to re-evaluate your walk with Christ."

My husband was most recently dealing with a co-worker who spent their free time trying to control him. This person did a number of horrible things and he would come home frustrated and confused. I would be heartbroken.

I wanted to march up to his office and give this person what for. I wanted to tell them that if they continued to treat my husband in this manner, they'd be dealing with me (on a side note: I am much more intimidating than my husband). But I knew that wouldn't accomplish much. This person would not stop bullying simply because I told them to.

So, I prayed everyday as my husband left for work. "Lord, please give him patience. Help him to hold his tongue. Help him to return attacks with kindness. Arm him with your strength."

Eventually, the problem was solved. But the point is this: the world will try to tear down your husband and it's important that you don't.

The world will tell your husband that his talents aren't good enough. They will tell him that he won't measure up to much. They will tell him that they can't believe he lives off of so little income and that he should find a better job. They will tell him that his car is too old. They will tell him that his clothes are not nice enough. They will tell him that his choices are wrong. They will attack his faith.

I don't think I realized how cruel the world was to my husband until recently. My husband is a strong man. He really can carry the weight of the world on his shoulders and never let on that he's struggling beneath its weight. But when the load gets too heavy to carry, he knows I'm the person he can turn to lift those burdens. Or at least lift his spirits.

I'm not always his loudest cheerleader, but God is helping me understand how important it is that I become his.

There was a recent study done that showed your husband will hear your voice most audibly when surrounded by other voices. Your husband is most familiar with your voice. This can be a good thing--because he can shut out the world and focus solely on you--or it can be a bad thing--he can ignore your words and, eventually, you completely.

It's my belief that if we are cheering on our husbands, they will shut out the noises from others and focus on our encouragement. If we aren't encouraging, he most likely won't be listening to us. He may get beaten down by the rest of the world's opinions of him. Or he may find someone else to be his cheerleader.

So, how do we become our husband's loudest cheerleader?

1. Applaud his efforts; encourage his dreams no matter how crazy they sound
I doubt my husband from time-to-time. When he came home and told me he was going to build a hydroponic system to grow non-GMO foods for us using fish, I about had a heart attack. My first thought was, "Great, here we go again. Another experiment." My next thought? "How much is this going to cost?" But instead of saying these things out loud, I nodded in agreement and said to him, "Can you put together a budget so I can start saving some extra money to fund your hydroponic system?" He did it and we saved. Now, next to the desk I am currently typing at, I'm watching lettuce grow out of lava rocks. It truly is a miracle.

Every day I make a big deal about how much his plants have grown. I encourage him to start growing other types of plants and help him set aside money to expand. If he had failed, it wouldn't have been a big deal. He would have re-purposed most of the supplies for future ventures. But now he's talking about one day making a living off of his hydroponic system. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. Whatever the case, the man planted seeds in lava rocks that germinated in three days. THREE DAYS. I think it's safe to say God used my doubt to teach me a lesson: applaud your husband's efforts. He needs your encouragement. He needs your help. Even when you're sure he will fail. God just might make something miraculous happen.

2. Apologize--even when its not your fault
A long time ago, I learned a valuable lesson. The words "I'm sorry" can and will melt your husband's heart if you are sincere about it. My husband hurt my feelings unknowingly one day and I moped around for two hours. He kept staring at me confused. I was convinced that if I just kept moping, he would eventually figure it out. Long story short: he never did. When dinner time was approaching, I realized I was really tired of moping. I'm not a very patient person. So, I went to him and said, "I'm sorry I've been moping around all afternoon. You hurt my feelings and I was waiting for you to figure it out." He laughed and said, "I can't read your mind." Then he apologized and kissed me.

Here's what's important to remember: there should never be anything between you and your husband. If he hurt your feelings, tell him. Give him a chance to apologize. If he doesn't, pray about it. Don't hold it against him or nag him. If you hurt his feelings, apologize the moment you find out. A marriage can't be successful if it's not full of forgiveness.

3. Affirm his positive attributes
My husband would never admit this, but he walks a little taller when I'm bragging on him.

"You're so talented!"

"You are the smartest man I know!"

"You are a success!"

"You always look so handsome!"

"You are so strong! Did your muscles get bigger?!"

"You're the best husband a girl could ask for!"

"I'm so happy you picked me to be your wife!"

Ladies, I'm giving you great ammo here. Use it! Go ahead, give your husband a big head. Let him know you think he hung the stars in the sky. Pump him so full of confidence that the world can't deflate him.

His home really is his castle. Providing for his family is very stressful whether he likes his job or not. When he comes home, show him how much he's loved and cared for. Give him a kiss, tell him you missed him, and then lead him to the table where his dinner is waiting. Treat him like a king. There are so many young ladies who would give anything to be a wife--even to a man who may not always treat her well or appreciate her. Be grateful you have a husband who comes home to you every night regardless of his mood. A respected, well-cared for man who knows he has the loving support of his wife is a man who will be very happy to come home.

Be his loudest cheerleader. Encourage him. Build him up. Let him know that you have his back no matter what the world thinks of him.

Your Wife-Friend in Christ,
Jessica

Dealing with the Proverbs 31 Woman

When I started this series, "The Helpmeet Chronicles," my hope was that I would help myself--and others--become the good wife Proverbs 31 talks about. A woman of "noble character" who brings her husband "good, not harm, all the days of her life." 

If you're a wife, I'm sure you've read this passage many times and marveled at the woman described. And then slowly beaten yourself up about how much you so do not resemble the woman the Bible talks about. 

I used to feel that way, then I did Laurie Cole's Beauty By the Book Bible study and learned a thing or two about this passage in scripture.

The first is that this woman is impossible to measure up to because she is not all of these things at one time. Maybe you go through seasons where you do get up "while it is still night" to get your husband out the door for work. Other times, you may need to sleep in because your wife role calls you to be up late at night. I used to pride myself on getting up early to take care of my husband. But then quickly realized that my wife role made it hard to stay up late and get up incredibly early the next day. I was moody, unhappy, and sleep deprived. 

Our solution: I sleep in on the days I need to (which is probably two days out of the month) and my husband gets himself ready for work. If his lunch isn't made, I take it up to him after I get up.

The takeaway: Don't beat yourself up; this woman can do many things, but she also recognizes her limitations and works with her husband to set aside time to rejuvenate herself.

The second thing I learned is that this woman looks nothing like the world. I have a difficult time watching any type of reality TV that involve husbands and wives (unless it's 19 Kids and Counting!). Mainly because I cannot stand how worldly wives treat their husbands. I'm always shocked at how these women boss around their husbands and act as though their men should just be happy they come home at night. 

Recently, I was looking through wife articles online and found one devoted entirely to the Real Housewives franchise divorces. THEIR DIVORCES. It saddened me greatly because these women are missing what their true calling in life is: to be a helpmeet to their husbands. It grieves my heart that our society attacks the submissive housewife and instead holds up these women who value popularity, careers and money over their marriages. 

Society assumes the submissive wife is weak and frail. They assume she is controlled by her husband and cannot stand on her own two feet. They could not be more wrong. The Proverbs 31 woman described is strong and independent. She is a hard worker. She uses her talents to provide for her family. Perhaps she earns money working from home or cuts coupons to save money. She serves others selflessly and is prepared for all seasons of life. She is also wise and focused on her home. This woman is not concerned with the world; she's concerned about her family. 

The takeaway: The Proverbs 31 woman is the type of woman we should try to emulate. She is a blessing to her husband and knows that being married to him fulfills her God-given role in this life. She considers herself lucky and happily busies herself with her wifely duties.

The Proverbs 31 woman can be intimidating, but she stands for a beautiful truth: wives are the backbone to the family unit. If you are a wife, don't wear yourself out trying to be everything at once. Change priorities as seasons change. 

Your Wife-Friend in Christ,

Jessica

The Soul Mate Complex

I used to believe in soul mates, and then I got married.

Now, before you think I'm stuck in some unhappy marriage with a man who is clearly NOT my soul mate, read on...

As I've grown up into my wife role, I've learned a few things.

First, I did not marry a perfect man. The blond-haired, blue-eyed boy who asked me to be his girl five years ago (and then we jumped onto the back of his white horse and rode off towards the castle in the distance) has turned into a man with flaws. And who has a front row seat to those flaws daily? Me. But despite the flaws, I still love him like crazy.

Secondly, I used to be under the illusion that "soul mates" would never fight, always agree and walk through life unscathed because their love for each other would conquer all. I never imagined I'd get a few scrapes along the way. Thankfully, my sweet husband is always there to bandage them up for me.

Oh, society, the lies you made me believe!

Listen, I'm not trying to be a pessimist here. I'm just trying to be real. And in being transparent, I just happen to be a wife who gets 'it'. Soul mates are a nice idea, but they leave couples with impossible expectations.

"You came home from work after a rough day and didn't want to talk to me because you needed some 'alone time'?! My soul mate would never treat me this way!"

"Oh, you forgot my birthday? Again?! If we were soul mates, then my birthday would be ingrained in your memory for all eternity!"

"So, here's the thing: seven years of marriage and two children later hasn't been exactly what I dreamed it would be. So, I sort of met my 'soul mate' at work and we have decided we're going to be together. I'm sorry this didn't work out. But I hope you find your soul mate, too."

You get the idea: WE PUT TOO MUCH EMPHASIS ON SOUL MATES.

The proof: Some people go so far as to destroy marriages over the idea that they didn't hold out for their soul mate. They believe that by suddenly finding their true 'soul mate'--which doesn't happen to be the person they married--it relinquishes them from their marriage, their family, and the promise they made before God to honor and love their spouse for the rest of their earthly lives.

The simple truth is: I don't believe in soul mates in the generic way society does. I believe we have the choice to choose who we spend our life with and it's up to us to make the most of our marriage.

If you find yourself doubting that you married the right person, let me take this time to reassure you. Yes, you married the right person.

In the beginning, I don't think I necessarily looked at my husband thought, "Oh, there he is! There is my soul mate."

Instead, I looked at him and thought, "There he is. There is the right man for me."

He's a man who is steadfast and strong. He's kind and gentle. He's the type of man I want to raise children with. And he's the type of man I want to be sitting beside 60 years from now as we watch our great grandchildren play on our front lawn.

Sure, we have our differences and we're both headstrong. I have my opinions and he has his. But we work through them with communication and compromise. That was something we spent the second year of our marriage figuring out.

When I look at the person I was before I married my husband, I'm always shocked to see the changes I've made over the last three years. Kelly has played a large part in changing the very core of who I am for the better.

My husband has helped me love people better. The quality that I admire most in him--compassion--has slowly worked itself into my life. My greatest hope is that the quality he loves most about me, whatever that may be, works itself into his life for the better, too. Our marriage relationship should help us become more Christ-like--not less Christ-like.

Even though I'm not a fan of the word 'soul mate', I do believe that the more we grow in love with our husbands the stronger the desire becomes to use the word 'soul mate' to describe our spouse. One of my favorite quotes from Wuthering Heights is: "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." As your marriage matures and you grow together, I hope this is a quote that helps describe your relationship.

So, how do we avoid the Soul Mate Complex?

1. Pray for wisdom
The day I married my husband, I knew that I wanted my marriage to last a lifetime. I didn't want my marriage to end the way my parents' did. So, I began praying that God would give me the wisdom I needed to be a Godly wife. Every day since, I have continued praying that God would help me to be a good wife to my husband. It's been a difficult journey because I'm human and selfish at times. But the more I pray for wisdom, the more God instills it inside of me. God does not tire of my daily requests for His wisdom. In fact, I have seen Him bless me many times over because of my willingness to seek Him in all things concerning my marriage.

2. Arm yourself with helpful tools
The greatest tool God has given to me on my Wife Journey is Debi Pearl's book, Created To Be His Helpmeet. I have mentioned this book numerous times in past posts because I truly believe that besides the Bible, this is a book every wife SHOULD OWN. I have read this book a dozen times since becoming a wife on June 18, 2011. Though I have never met Debi, she has helped me become the wife I am today. And I believe she can do the same for you.
Other tools that can help? I read many, many Godly wife blogs. Here are a few of my favorites:
The Time-Warp Wife
Unveiled Wife
Women Living Well
All of these women share helpful tools to encourage you on your Wife Journey.

3. Get rid of your 'Exit Strategy'
My husband and I have a rule: the 'D' word is not allowed in our house. It's not allowed to be brought up in our conversations or disagreements. Growing up, I heard my father say numerous times that he was 'just going to leave'. And you know what? Eventually he did. The more we say things out loud, the more we convince ourselves that we should actually do them. Our words are more powerful than we know. Instead of saying "We are never going to work through this!" try saying this instead: "This is an opportunity for us to grow stronger." Don't ever threaten to end your marriage; always aim to strengthen your marriage regardless of what you're going through.

4. Surround yourself with people who help your marriage--not people who hurt your marriage
If there is someone in your life--a close friend, adviser, family member--who doesn't support your marriage, you shouldn't spend a lot of time around them. Satan will use your friends and family to plant seeds of doubt. He's done it with me numerous times because he wants marriages to fail. He wants your children to ache and hurt. He wants to cause discord and disaster. Don't let him. Instead, be around people who encourage your marriage and vice versa. Find strong women of faith who can teach you. The Bible instructs older women to "urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God." (Titus 2:4-5) One woman I know I can always count on to help me in my Wife Journey is Kelly's aunt, Helen. She is by far my greatest ally in this role. She encourages and builds me up. And she also sets a wonderful example of what a Godly wife looks like. Ask God to bring you a woman like Aunt Helen into your life to help aid you. And then spend as much time as you can learning from her. When the time comes, ask God to help you be a good example of a Godly wife for the young women in your life.

5. Don't let the world into your head
My husband and I watch movies and TV shows occasionally, but I have really cut back on what I allow myself to view. Naturally, I tend to gravitate toward romance. This can be very harmful to my marriage because the world in which we live is warped. They have bought into the Soul Mate Complex. Nothing infuriates me more than a TV marriage gone awry. They glamorize cheating, revenge, lying, and stealing. Do not be fooled! What you see on TV is a SCRIPTED series. Real life is not scripted. And you will be held accountable for every choice--good and bad--that you make. The world view and God's view cannot both exist in your marriage. Don't let the world's view of marriage into your head. Focus on God's view of marriage.

Remember: you married the right person. Don't get hung up on the term 'soul mates'. Get hung up on the words 'husband and wife'. God always intended for your marriage to be focused on Him. Let's let our marriages glorify God in everything we say and do.

Your Wife-Friend in Christ,
Jessica

Michal's Mistakes

I have always been fascinated by the women of the Bible.

Ruth's devotion to Naomi.

Hannah's grace.

Esther's character.

Elizabeth's patience.

Abigail's discernment.

Mary's strength.

I long to bottle up their best traits and become what I would deem "the perfect woman."

These women of the Bible have captured my heart and attention for many years. And I oftentimes gravitate toward their stories.

It would make my heart leap with joy if I could gather all these women in my living room for an afternoon. I'd serve coffee and sugar cookies and we'd talk--just be real--with one another.

I'm sure, like always, that I would be the 'talker' of the group.

"Esther, you were literally a part of the first Bachelor. Its a reality TV show in present day. Anyway, tell me word-for-word everything that went down during that time. How were you feeling? How did you win the king's heart? Tell it all! But first, let me get some popcorn."

"Elizabeth, your husband couldn't talk for nine months. Be honest, how much did you like being the only one able to speak? I would have so taken advantage of that. Go through the emotions of finding out you were pregnant after so many years not being able to conceive."

"Ruth, you were devoted and faithful to your mother-in-law. So much so that you left behind your home, your family and your traditions to follow her back to her home. And to her God. Tell me the story over again. From the beginning. How terrifying was it for you to leave everything behind and start over in a foreign land?"

Well, you get the point. I'd ask millions of questions about their stories. They would probably have to stay a full week at my house just so we could cover every topic.

All of these women had happy Bible endings. Ruth and Naomi found their kinsmen redeemer. Barren Hannah had several children after keeping her promise to God about Samuel. Elizabeth raised John the Baptist. Abigail saved her husband from a certain death, and then wed King David. And Mary gave birth to Jesus Christ.

These women have humble beginnings and impressive endings.

But then there's Michal, David's first wife. 

While I doubt she would fit in with my afternoon coffee Bible ladies, she's the one woman whose story keeps me awake at night, replaying it over and over again. It always saddens me that she had such a promising beginning and a rough ending.

To save time, this is my paraphrased version of David and Michal: The Tragic Love Story.

Once upon a time, there was a very handsome Shepherd watching his father's flock when he rose to fame one day after defeating the biggest dude in all the land, aka Goliath. King Saul, seeing David's potential, refused to honor the hero as promised and so, through a couple of twists and turns, mostly Saul's betrayal, Michal (one of Saul's daughters) and David ended up married.

And they fell in love.

Their love was young and it was obvious Michal loved David deeply. The Bible even says so. She helped him escape her evil father by lying to him about David's whereabouts. When he realized this, Saul married her off to another man while David was on the run.

Fast forward some years. Michal and new hubby are happy. But David is now king and he hasn't forgotten his first wife (even though he's acquired a few more, including Abigail, one of my coffee Bible ladies). Michal is forced to leave her new hubby, who weeps as they take her away. O.K. how sweet must that man have been? He literally followed behind weeping! I think it's obvious to say that he loved her. And he probably was good to her.

Miserable that she's back to being David's wife, Michal bitterly resumes castle life. Interestingly enough, the Bible says Michal had 'no children'.

 If you want to read the full story, here are the important passages:
The beginning: 1 Samuel 18-19
The return: 2 Samuel 3:13-15
The demise: 2 Samuel 6:16-23

Simply put: girlfriend is no longer in love with our guy David and she exhibits bouts of anger and bitterness. Directed mainly at David.

She's never mentioned again after insulting David's dancing before the LORD. David, on the other hand, is called a man after God's own heart. Sure, he goes on to make many mistakes, but his love for the LORD is evident throughout his life.

Michal, not so much.

So, why do I tell you about Michal? Because a lot of marriages end the way David and Michal's did. Two people completely pull apart and never make it back to one another. There are a lot of negative emotions on the wife's side. Broken promises. Betrayal. Hurt. Hatred. They all cloud this marriage.

There is no grace. There is no peace. There is no joy. There is no forgiveness.

Michal repelled her husband with her attitude, and its my understanding they lived as a divorced couple for the rest of their marriage.

I don't want my marriage to end this way and I'm sure it's not how you want yours to end either.

What can we learn about being a wife from Michal?

Mical's Mistakes:
1. Circumstances can't define your marriage attitude.
Michal was in a horrible position, much like Esther and Bathsheba. These women had no control over their futures. Every decision made for them was made by the men in their lives. And these men didn't always make wise choices. Having a positive attitude toward their husbands was not an easy feat. Two women made the most of their difficult situations; one did not. Esther went on to save her people and Bathsheba raised Solomon, the wisest man that ever lived.

You tell me, did their attitudes shape their marriages? My answer: absolutely! God honors obedient wives who choose joy over anger regardless of their situations. We can't always control our situations, but we can always control our attitude. Be positive. You just might make the history books!

2. You have to love God.
And fervently love Him! David and Michal had different attitudes toward God in the last days of their marriage. David went on to do great things after praising God openly for all the kingdom to see. Michal scoffed at his praise for God; she was forgotten.

Wives, praise God loudly and openly. Go on to be remembered as a faithful servant in spite of your limitations and circumstances. God does not promise an easy life--but rather one filled with changing seasons, both challenging and calm. If you 'love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength,' you may have a story that ends like Esther's or Hannah's.

3. Don't let marriage make you bitter; let it make you better.
Marriage is hard. There is no perfect marriage. Relationships go through seasons, as mentioned above. Don't let those seasons make you bitter. Let them make you stronger. Let them teach you how to love your husband the way God loves his children. With grace, peace, joy, mercy and forgiveness. For a marriage to work, these things have to be present. Pray daily that God strengthens you with these traits and that you don't lose sight of being a Godly wife.

The takeaway: Marriage is difficult. And you've married a sinning, flawed man. Don't let his shortcomings determine your attitude toward him. Instead, encourage your husband. Build him up. Earn a permanent place in his heart by avoiding Michal's mistakes. Your attitude will determine your ending. Make it a good one.

Your Wife-Friend in Christ,
Jessica

Stop Trying to Control!

For as long as I can remember, I've always been a control freak. You can ask my poor brother. I spent the majority of our childhood trying to control him. Thankfully, I was blessed with two parents who wouldn't let me. But, oh, I sure tried.

By nature, I have a born-to-lead personality. I'm pretty sure I inherited that trait from my grandfather. Because if there's a task that needs to get done, I automatically think I'm in charge of delegating. And, surprisingly, people usually let me lead.

But there's a problem with my take-charge attitude: my marriage doesn't have room for two leaders. And I just happened to marry a man who has the exact same born-to-lead personality that I do.

If I'm not careful, a war may break out if we do something simple together, like go grocery shopping.

Here's why:

1. I am a planner. That means I have either a mental list in my head or a written one when I arrive at the store. I know exactly what I need because I already know which meals I have planned out for the week. I also have a mode of operation. I begin in the produce, move to meats, dairy, beverages and then go up and down each aisle. Not my husband. He arrives at the store with a "Hmm...what sounds good?" mentality. He runs from one side of the store to the other trying to figure out what he wants to eat. And I'm usually the one pushing the cart, following behind him. We will walk around the store several times before one item of food ever gets placed in the cart. Most of our grocery store runs end with me nearly having an anxiety attack.

2. I consider myself the CFO of our household. My husband isn't too horrible with budgeting our money, but I'm much better at it. I took accounting classes, my grandfather worked in a bank and my mother's motto growing up was: "Thrifty, thrifty, thrifty." I come from a long line of great budget-ers. So, when I go shopping, I get out my calculator and calculate every cent, including tax. When I go with my husband, I usually have to abandon my calculator after the second item is placed in the cart because he moves too quickly for me to search for the price and keep up.

3. I really don't like grocery stores. Or shopping. I have this get-in-get-out mentality. I know what I need, I get it, and then I get out. My life is much too busy to spend several hours leisurely meandering through the aisles. My husband doesn't leisurely meander, but he enjoys looking at everything to make sure he's getting the best of the best. It's probably why we don't clothes shop together. I usually buy the first pair of jeans I try on. He tries on the whole store selection before deciding on the first pair.

Neither of our approaches are wrong; they are just different. And that's where conflict arises.

I'm not interested in controlling every aspect of my husband. There are things I'm perfectly content to let him lead in. Where he works, what cars we drive and the garage are all territories I enjoy handing over to him. I'll even let him choose which plants to plant in the front yard. I'm totally cool with him taking over those responsibilities.

I'm willing to let my husband have control of the things that aren't of great importance to me. But when it comes to something I consider paramount, like how we spend our time together, I begin delegating. And it never ends well.

I try to take control of the situation by telling my husband how he could improve the way he's doing something. My husband gives me 'the look.' The one that says, "You're morphing into that horrible beast I don't care for. Please return to the sweet wife you were five minutes ago." I ignore it. I push some more. He gives me the look one more time. I start to back off. I'm good for about 2 minutes. Then I start delegating again and he gets annoyed and gives up on whatever activity we're doing. That's when I know I've pushed him to his limit.

I fail my husband every day. I'm so far from the wife I yearn to be. I don't want to control my husband, but it's hard to change over night. To stop trying to do everything my way. And though I'm constantly changing, I oftentimes revert back to my old habits if I'm not careful. It takes me staring at myself in the mirror, screaming out "Stop trying to control!" that I begin to see what I'm doing to my poor husband.

My husband is a wonderful leader. He doesn't always make the choices that I would if I was in his shoes, but I trust him to make wise decisions. And I pray for him often . I pray that God would lead him to the right choices for us and that he would help Kelly to be a good leader. By constantly telling him he's doing something wrong, I'm making him question his leadership abilities.

So...why do I still try to control him when I clearly know better? I think it's just my wife nature. I think my way is best. And sometimes, it is. But God has showed me over and over again that it's better to let my husband lead (even if it's poorly) than it is for me to lead correctly.

God honors good wives. He honors wives who let their husbands lead gracefully. Without opposition. Without nagging. Without pouting. And that means that He will always take care of you regardless of what choices your husband makes.

The next time I go grocery shopping with my husband, I'm going to do my very best to cheerfully push the cart behind him while he scours the store for the best deals on the best food. And though it will nearly kill me to abandon my plans, I know that it will make both God and my husband happy to see me letting my husband lead the way while I stand beside and simply do what I was designed to do: help him.

Verses to remember:

"She brings him good not harm all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:12
"Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives." 1 Peter 3:1
"He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD." Proverbs 18:22
"A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones." Proverbs 12:4

Your Wife-Friend in Christ,

Jessica

Enjoy the Adventures

If you asked me to describe myself, 'adventurous' would not be an adjective I would use. I've never been prone to venture outside of my comfort zone. I prefer to stick to my routine. 

But I am a very determined individual. And I made my mind up a long time ago that if something terrifies me, I should make every effort to attempt it--within reason, of course.

When God made me, he knew I would need a man who would take me on lots of adventures. And, also, to send me on them. 

Not because I bore easily, but because I would never do the things that terrify me if I didn't. If I had married a man who was content to let me stay at home (and I would because I'm a homebody), then I wouldn't get to meet the wonderful people I have met on all my adventures. And I wouldn't have the stories to share.

Before we got married, Kelly took me on lots of adventures. Sometimes, it was just to the a different town. We'd take the back way. He'd forget which road to turn on. And we'd end up stopping for directions and a bag of candy along the way. 

Other times, I would yell, "Stop the car! I have to get a picture of that ______!" And he would dramatically turn the car in the direction of my pointed finger, stopping for a silly picture of a cow. 

We've had lots of adventures. We still have lots of adventures, even though we're married now. I often joke that the one lesson my husband has helped me master in this life is that we really don't know what each day may bring. We never really know what God will spring on us. 

I am notorious for planning out my whole day. Walk the dogs at 9:15 am. Clean the house from 10:30-11:30 am. Have lunch. Catch up on paperwork 1:00 pm - 3:30 pm. Prepare dinner 4:00 - 5:00 pm. Wash dishes. Put in a load of laundry. Put up my feet and relax. 

I'll even tell my husband my plans so he won't send me on those crazy adventures that come with being married to a very, very busy man. But within an hour, he'll usually calling me and sending me off on an adventure I really didn't plan on going on. Sometimes, it's to Tulsa with him to pick up a car. Other times, I'm meeting customers to drop off paperwork.

Even though these adventures put a big dent in my day, I have learned that they are always God's way of shaking things up and teaching me to go--willingly--wherever he leads. 

Recently, I did my whole "I'm cleaning the house today" routine to my husband. Which means: I haven't showered. Don't let anyone near the house. Don't send me on errands. I really need to stay home and mop. Seriously, I have no idea what that black stain is under the refrigerator. The dogs won't even go near it. I need one day off. Please?

30 minutes later...

I was rushing around to get dressed and throwing the cleaning supplies back under the sink. My husband was sending me on yet another adventure. And this time, after days of running around with no break (hence the dirty house), I made sure to remind him repeatedly that I really needed a day off in the very near future.

Hurriedly, I drove off to meet a client that was waiting on me. But when I arrived, the door was locked. There were no cars in sight. It was just me, Zailey (the dog), and the teenage kid that parked next to me. I called my husband repeatedly, trying to figure out if I was at the right building. No response. 

Finally, the dog huffed from the backseat and laid down. And I began laughing.

I realized that God's constantly using my husband to illustrate a wonderful truth to me. We are always on-call for God. Always. There are no days off. And when we've been going for days--unable to catch up on sleep and the time needed to rejuvenate ourselves--we have to keep going. 

I don't always enjoy going on the adventures that my husband and God send me on, but I never come home wishing I had had the day off. I always thank God that I have exactly what I need to help others--especially my husband.

God has used Kelly time and time again to disrupt my peaceful days and remind me that I'm always up for an adventure so long as God is leading the way. And on those occasions when my husband is sitting beside me, I'm grateful that I'm not on this adventure alone.

My pastor always says, "You only have a set number of days here." So, go on those adventures willingly. Take the detours. Life is meant to be lived by God's will--not mapped out by our own hands.

Sometimes, I forget to thank God for the good and bad he brings to my days. I'm so focused on what I need that I forget God provides all my needs for me so I can meet the needs of those around me.

Enjoy the adventures. You won't regret it.

Your Wife-Friend in Christ,

Jessica